feel it in my bones.

a few days ago, rod beeskey, housemate and great guy in general emailed me to ask me how i was. there had been a bomb blast in karachi and he was just checking in to see if everything was okay.

beeskey, i know you read this. here is why i havnt replied yet:

01. i am scared. i am scared because the mother land appears to be dying and i have no idea what to do about it. theres nothing anyone can do about it. people are angry and they are tired and there are so many people out to get us that we dont even know who to blame when something goes wrong. and at the end of the day, there is no innocent and there is no guilty, everyones caught in this mess together. sure, that last attack didnt impact me specifically, but these things appear to be arbitrary and inevitable now. how do you tell a taliban from a regular person? how do you protect people when you dont know what exactly the bad guy looks like? and where do you lay blame, and where do you direct your sympathy?

02. i am sinking in stories of pain and despair and courage and bravery. they are unavoidable and too sincere to ignore. what happens when suffering multiplies exponentially to a point where emotions are blurred and feeling is numbed? what causes a city to bounce back after every attack? what do you do with all this information? is this resillience or resignation?

03. there are no solutions, only effort and attempt and guesses and speculation. i am so envious of the fact that you are safe and that you have the time to think over and beyond the travesties that tangle up every conversation here, every gesture, every life. i envy your freedom.

04. and irrespective, we go out. we celebrate, we laugh and we sing and we go on. i am so infinitely happy here, so catered to, so understood. how do you reconcile this? how do you reconcile things that arnt meant to go hand in hand? what happens to people when they live in fear? and what do you do, other than trying to respectful and polite and sincere?

i have too many questions to answer of my own.
i am in no position to answer yours.


3 responses to “feel it in my bones.

  1. Nonster,

    I appreciate your response so much..for something that, in retrospect seems a pretty flawed question to ask. Even when I was writing the email, I was like…”how do I say all that I mean, when there’s so much to say and so much more that I can’t even comprehend?” I apologize that I knew nothing of what happened other than its “toll” and some vague details before I sent my email. My concern for your health and those you care about is sincere, but that said, I also understand how those categories are not what I think they are..

    I want to tell you that I really appreciate your posts, and the entire blog. Putting things out for people to read is..something I haven’t yet been able to do and I admire your bravery. I’ve noticed a trend that I have trouble connecting to the world outside of my own immediate one…maps have always been overwhelming, telling nothing of what goes on on the ground. Books help, news usually doesn’t, the internet, I’m learning, can also be of great service…and I just want to thank you for your pieces and what they’ve done for my consciousness of the world and care for those in it (this is a general praise for all y’all on this blog, of course).

    I am in a spot where I also must do thinking of my own. Thank you for another impetus to look further at who I am, as well as who and what is outside of me.
    Much love,

  2. aw beeeeeeskey
    i love you 🙂

  3. i remember saying, fully resolved, unwavering, that id always go back home..

    only a lack of choice will take me back now..

    the city was on high alert i was told..and i was headed to the aiport to pick up a million guests and just shrugged it off..it meant nothing because somehow it had no bearing on me at the time..i hadn’t suffered any loss

    and the wedding happened
    and we involved ourselves in random banter over christmas dinner
    and we laughed, throughout, at new year and i did sing

    and i wasn’t fearless this winter.. but i was subsumed more in the uncertainties of my own happiness and choices and losses than to worry about what was happening outside the walls of my house

    thats what we’ve learned to become i guess..live your own life, deal with your own issues..express an opinion, a sigh, a shaking of the head when you hear the news on tv..and turn your head and continue with some detached conversation like nothing ever happened..

    you’re right..emotions are blurred and feelings are numbed..but maybe we’re selfish too and can only just talk..at least i am..confused, but selfish

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