homo-sex-ua-l

[originally emailed 10/9/13 as an art idea]

i want to share with you my thoughts on homosexual since you asked, but i don’t want these words to come off as static/flat in email, and am also interested in having real time dialogue/dynamic with you about it.

so, in terms of the vocabulary available to describe deviant sexuality, queer has always felt more resonate than say gay, lesbian, or bisexual–which, when you have them presented in this way, gay stays within the realm of men, as opposed to saying gay in a more playful, all purpose kind of manner. queer is inclusive, queer is expansive, whateva whateva. queer can sometimes feel like too much and not enough though, to me. yes, queer can explain/encompass my desire/s, and yet i sometimes feel that queer is unable to get at the particularities of them, too.

what’s interesting to me, with homosexuality, is that it is limiting at same-sex desire, but it does not have to define what that sex is. and this has what has felt liberating to me, as someone who feels trans(ish) in a non-binary(ish) sense (we are all works in progress.) my desire for men is the same as my desire for women is the same as my desire for transfolk. it all comes from a yearning for recognition, to have my body, and my want, honored/reflected/accepted. my desires are multiple, and my body feels multiple, and yet i feel a particular alignment, a singularity of attraction.the conundrum, and pleasure, of homosexuality, lies in the tension/uncertainty of knowing if your desire for another is to become them or to be with them. this strongly informs how i am/feel/relate.

all of this to say, i am invested in the reclamation/celebration of the word homosexual as a queer term, and want to make visual art around/about it. and i would like to know how you think/feel, too. i’m curious to know more about your thoughts on queer lineage. i think a lot about how i find myself within and outside of womanhood, and what that means to be part of and excluded from genealogies of queer women/lesbians. and also what it means for me to find myself inside and excluded from trans genealogies, too. and how all of these things can be held and okay. i’m working it/myself out.

Aside

you are big
even when
you are small.

ten things i desire:

01. having the courage to tell the people i desire that i desire them. to do so explicitly, simply, honestly, and more quickly than i am prone to.
02. to not have to do my schoolwork. or at least acquire the focus i need to get it done.
03. to create more than i have been consuming. to be more active than passive.
04. holding someone’s hands.
05. energy to ride my bicycle all the way to downtown saint paul and back tmrw. fixing my bike to make things easier.
06. taking care of my home. really manifesting it to be the place i do not have to tiptoe around because there’s too much crap on the floor, or turn away from because of the dirt and dust pile-up. getting all my books in order. de-cluttering.
07. to tell everyone i love that i love them. in ways that make sense to both of us. not out of guilt.
08. sunshine. summertime. the air outdoors. waking up earlier and earlier. tanning. not giving a shit about fashion.
09. to have my desires returned. transformed.
10. feeling contentment. the way things are are the way things are. breathing. letting go of time. relaxing.

i just found a high schooler’s thinspiration tumblr on my search for all #vietnamese everything, and it has me feeling all of these feelings, and i didn’t know where else to go except here, and i don’t know what to say besides, there is so much weight to bear in this world.

fuck capitalism. fuck neoliberalism. fuck financial systems. fuck industrial complexes. fuck poverty. FUCK INJUSTICE. fuck this shit. fuck shit up.

(after mimi nguyen)

MOONROOT: an exploration of asian womyn’s bodies

we did it, y’all!

MOONROOT is an ongoing collaborative project about race, gender, and bodies that was born/e out of gchat conversations, love, and pure genius.   it was released yesterday at the baltimore zine bazaar and presented by (most of) the baltimore crew.

check it: READABLE PDF | PRINTABLE PDF

big ups to these homies for making this process beautiful: Sine Hwang Jensen (creator of our lovely lotus root stencil), Amy Dewan, Sun Hashmi, Marilla Li, Jess Kealiihoalani Toshea Mease, jackie wang (layer-outer of the zine! and the one from whom i got the bulk of the content for this post <3), mai c. đoàn, linda nguyễn, and Bhanu Kapil.

do you..

– want to donate seed money for future issues?
– want a copy with a fancy spray-painted cover?
– want to distribute the zine?
– want to give us feedback?

talk to us at moonrootzine@gmail.com!

also! if you self-identify as an API womyn/woman, trans, or genderqueer person, WE WANT YOU WITH US. please submit and/or collaborate with us, because we need your voice/vision/wisdom/story.*


Sine and Amy posing with newly printed zines


moonroot production factory (it’s worker-owned, y’all)

*psst.. nonster, stacey, nisha, manasi, mandy, aileen, zena, claudia, and my sisters… i am looking at you. ❤

this morning, there was a bomb blast about five minutes away from my house. apparently, our windows shook and everyone thought it was an earthquake until they saw ambulances and people driving like lunatics to get away from the scene. i slept through it as i had been up the night before catching up with project runway australia.

at work, during research, i came across a man who had lost his wife last year in a blast in islamabad. he has a blog in which he writes about missing her and his first eid without her and his kids and how he has dedicated his life to building a community for those who had lost loved ones in similar situations. i am consumed with this. it is paralyzing. it is makes me feel like my knees are wooden and my fingers are weightless.

this is difficult. this is incredibly difficult.